NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You Might Also Like
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.