Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
no regrets
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.