figuring out my emotional availability:
You Might Also Like
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…