this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks