*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.