I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.