Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.