Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Danger is very dangerous
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.