No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
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coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
iPhone X
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Eat…
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?