I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.