Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.