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Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
When news reporters do sports stories