[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
White parent Vs Arab parents
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.