elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk