That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
This why you should mind your business
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”