Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
shit just got real
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?