The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
kitchen magnet
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*