[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
no their not
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Girl, same.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Schrödinger’s cookie
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!