When life hands you women, make women laid.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
moms in horror movies
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Fight
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”