If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
You Might Also Like
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy