Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I cannot call her anything else now
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.