Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
i made a craigslist ad !
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer