If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.