Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
multitasking lunch
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*