Never let them know your next move 😂
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My wedding will be open casket.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.