it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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Everyone’s family
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
This is enough internet for the day.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Incredible customer service.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold