I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
You Might Also Like
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.