During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN