The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I think about this a lot
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.