If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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i was baptized in a car wash
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Golf would be better with landmines.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.