HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.