Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?