Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
new wife guy just dropped
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.