Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.