Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U