A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m giving up ice.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia