A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity