The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.