if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.