Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.