“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You Might Also Like
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
What a year we’ve had this week.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.