Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
work smarter, not harder
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Hamburger Hinderer.
.. do you even science?