I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination