“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name