The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty like a car crash.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.