I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.