Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
How I like cutting carbs
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*