TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.