[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You Might Also Like
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
This bar smells like my childhood.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
ibopfufen
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task