I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably